Think before you compliment someone

When I initially started going to the gym, I never thought about what would make me quit. It wasn’t something I ever considered until after it happened. Why would I stop? It makes me feel good, look good, gives me confidence, and is a place to socialize with friends. Regardless of all that, I slowly removed it as a priority and began going less and less until it was a month in between sessions. While it was not a single thing that made me quit, a conversation with my mom opened me up to a profound idea.

Initial Motivation

My first time in the gym was by accident. I went to play basketball with some friends just for fun and ended up throwing around some weights. I liked the way it felt, the atmosphere, the people, and the soreness that followed - so I went back again. And again. And again. For four months from September to December, I religiously went to the gym, tracking my workouts and what I was eating. I saw incredible results in a short amount of time and while I was proud of what I now saw in the mirror, it wasn’t the main reason I was going to the gym. That is, until it was.

Shift in thinking

At the end of December, everyone that I haven’t seen since the summer comes home from college and reconnects during the two week winter break they give us. Since I’ve been making big changes, fast, I looked and acted completely different from four months ago (I gained nearly 25 pounds during this time) and, like any human (don’t lie), I wanted to reap the social rewards of my hard work. I earned it. I wore short sleeves under my coat, puffed my chest out a bit, and wore a tighter sweater to Christmas mass. I wasn’t looking to be the center of conversation, but I liked getting validation from people I respected and people who I know meant it.

That two weeks of hearing how much I changed and how big I had gotten was great in the moment, but hearing all of it changed something inside of me. See, I was never going to the gym to impress people. I was there for fun, just lifting with my friends and walking away feeling accomplished and good about myself. But after the break, the thought of lifting became distasteful and stopped being something I looked forward to. The overjustification effect, in behavioral psychology, is the loss of intrinsic motivation for something you previously enjoyed doing, because you are offered an external reward. In my case, this reward was increased social standing.

How I’m applying this

The compliments I was receiving (coupled with other things, I’m sure) changed something that I loved doing into something I felt forced to do for other people, and led me to quitting for months on end. This blog isn’t to say you should be sparing in your compliments (just a little clickbait) but rather think twice before looking outside for motivation you already have within. I’m back in the gym now for the same, good reasons I was before and I’m being more conscious about how I take compliments. While I move into more paid programming positions, I’m fearful that something I love as a hobby will become sour all the same, but the lesson I learned here will remind me to keep my eyes open for changing motivations.

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